How do you manage people who used to be your peers?

The short answer

Name the change early, agree how you will work together, and then be consistent. Most of the awkwardness comes from the change being obvious to everyone and unspoken by anyone.

A first one-to-one with each person, in your first week or two, is the simplest way to do that. The structure below is my suggested approach, based on coaching new managers; it is not taken from any single published guide.

What changes, even if nobody says so

You used to be one of the group. Now you decide on workload, give feedback, take part in pay and performance conversations and carry the team’s problems upwards. That is a different relationship, whether or not you want it to be.

Some people will be pleased for you. Some will have applied for the same role and be disappointed. Some will worry that you will play favourites, or that you will pretend nothing has changed. All of these are reasonable reactions.

The first one-to-one

Book 30 to 45 minutes with each person, one to one, in the first week or two. A structure with three parts works well:

1. Acknowledge the change. “This is a different situation for both of us, and I’d like to talk about how we make it work.”
2. Say how you will work. How often you will meet, how you like to give feedback, what you will decide yourself and what you will ask the team about.
3. Ask what they need. “What would you like me to do more of, or less of? Is there anything from the past that I should know?”

Keep the tone calm and plain. You do not need to make a speech. The aim is to clarify the working relationship and what each of you expects, and to raise any worries early, while they are small.

Friendships

You can stay friends with former colleagues, but the friendship now has a boundary. A few practical rules help:

• Do not share anything about other people’s performance, pay or career, even with close friends.
• Avoid regular social events that exclude one or two team members.
• Be willing to say, “I’m talking to you as your manager now.”
• Treat everyone by the same standard. If you give a friend more slack than others, the team will notice.

Some friendships get harder before they get easier. That is normal. A direct conversation early is usually better than hoping it will sort itself out.

If someone wanted your job

Do not ignore it. Acknowledge it privately and briefly: “I know you were interested in this role, and I’d understand if it is difficult.” Then ask what they would like from you, such as a stretch assignment, a conversation about their development, or simply a little time. Never promise something you cannot deliver.

If they are struggling to accept the situation after a few weeks, raise it directly and kindly, and involve your own manager or HR if the behaviour affects the team.

Feedback and standards

Starting a feedback habit early makes later conversations easier: if you have been giving regular feedback, a harder conversation should hold fewer surprises. Start with small, specific feedback in the first weeks, and keep one-to-ones regular and in the diary, even when everything seems fine.

When someone’s performance needs to improve, tell them in the same plain way you would tell anyone, and prepare the conversation beforehand. Acas publishes guidance on preparing for and holding challenging conversations, which is a good place to start. If the matter is serious or may lead to formal action, speak to HR and follow your organisation’s procedure; do not improvise.

When it feels lonely

New managers often say that they have lost the people they used to talk things through with. Find a trusted person outside your team, such as a peer manager in another area or a mentor or coach, so you have somewhere to take the things you can no longer say to former colleagues. If the strain is affecting your health or sleep, speak to your GP; in England you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies. Coaching supports how you lead and is not therapy.

This article is general information, not legal, HR or medical advice. For questions about employment rights or disciplinary matters, check Acas or take advice from HR or a legal professional.

Sources

• Acas, Challenging conversations and how to manage them. Accessed 2026-10-02.

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